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Hi my lovely international friends. Like the title endues I’ve decided to continue writing in Finnish.
There is multiple reasons for this:
First off, my day to day life does actually happens around Finnish people. They are the ones I interact all the time and for they I mostly have more things to say. Some parts of my family, are not fluent enough to read my thoughts in English and I’ve been sad about this for a while. It is to my family I love to write since I don’t get to see them that much. I think that this would be different if I would live in a English speaking country. Then I would interact in English all the time and that would probably affect more in the way I think. I still think in Finnish! So translating my thoughts to English takes more time.
Even though I thought that writing in English would probably help me with my language problems;) I now see that it would take a lot more than blog writing to keep my written English in check. Plus I tend to procrastinate when I have to write something in English since it really feels like an effort – and thus many of my thoughts end up being NOT written down.
And I think that I over estimated how many people, internationally, would really benefit from my blogs. Since I don’t write that much the content of the blog is not that interesting in the first place.
So, my friends, lets keep in contact in Facebook and make sure we see each other face-to-face more;) Since I plan on getting my traveling gear on, in a year or so, I’ll be informing you how it is all gonna go and see if we can crash at your place!
<3
Lately I’ve been reading so many inspirational and vivid blogs, articles and books/magazines that I think my head is gonna burst. It’s funny how can I get this exhilarated on new discoveries and research. I’m surfing on the biggest information wave and get my hands (and head) on so much research, breakthroughs, technology news, psychology studies and medical remedies that it’s insane (pun intended).
The vastness of it is cockamamie. We are no more restricted to one authority that gives us the one sided opinion why they think the world is still flat. We are not even restricted to “professionals” from education facilities to tell us what is true and what is not – we can check it out by our own! We can challenge our own teachers with information that is just at the tips of our fingers if we just dig. We can analyze, criticise, scrutinize, scan, reject, eject, browse, flip and search the information so easily that it gives us literally endless possibilities to take a responsibility and get mad as hell!
I think in many ways my own behaviour is a best example what being on the bleeding edge is all about:
I usually carry three books with me, one is mostly informational and related to my work as an AD (Currently I’m reading About Face 3) or some self-help about psychology and happiness, meditation (A Path with Heart) etc. Then I have the “lighter” book which is usually sci-fi, fantasy or a famous, literature, bestselling treasure (Earth’s Children) that I just HAVE to have in my general knowledge so I have something to talk about to my parents as well. I also have a binary pile of audio books that I listen to when my eyes get tired.
When I get to my work place things really start to flow. I open up my internet and every two days I click open my “quick links” which contain around 20 different sites that range from interior design, graphic design, nutrition, art tutorials, environment, lol cats, cartoons, spiritual blogs and technology. Between scanning all the fresh from the oven articles I chat in Facebook, follow my friends links and reply to emails, open my Photoshop, start a current project that I’m working on, ask and receive knowledge and information from my work colleagues and reply to instant messages that my friends are sending or answering the phone and re-scheduling my calendar.
With all this going on in my work day I don’t even “stop learning” at lunch time, since I usually pick up the latest science magazine and scan trough it. Later when I get off from work I head to the gym, yoga class, or home to do some more freelance or voluntary work and to discuss everything that has happened with J – and there is ALWAYS A LOT to talk about even though we’ve been away from each other just the mere 8 hours.
I think there is one thing which is pretty common with the media I go through – it is silent. Internet is silent, books are silent, RSS feeds are silent and in a way audio books are silent as well. You can shut all that shouting away with Adblocks, stop/erase button and with a flip of a page. But the number one silent invention we have done as a race for quite a while is the Internet. You will find ANY kind of information, ANY time of the day, ANY location of the earth (or even in space!) and take as much as time you need to analyze it. Effective, independent, empowering, non bias, huge and best of all – it is virtually free (of charge).
On the other side I can say that my opinion about television is not much to hype about. I/we haven’t had an television for the last 3 years and I’m always glad to say I don’t miss it a bit – mostly just because it’s just that loud. Sometimes I get a peek of the programs that are running when I visit a friends place and I’m always overwhelmed of the incredible amount of shit there is! Last time I checked they had a show with a really fat person and I really skinny person and they switched their diets – there was a lot of drama about how little or shitty the other eats. I mean, people, let’s be serious, did the friggin’ show teach you anything? Where you able to shut it off? Did it make you feel good about yourself? Did you honestly think that it is something that will help you move forward in your life? Or be healthy to you? If we add all the commercials to the between where you are bombarded with the latest fat loss crap, with new diseases and pill-form cures for them and the super-duper-über-bonanza-sales-shit where they convince you that you just can’t LIVE without the latest Mac-laser-2000-ice-oxidant-vibration shaver since no girl will even spit in your direction if your skin isn’t frictionless. AND let’s not even go to the news – which are so full of negative, desperate and “objective” information that it just helps you to get even more comfy in your sofa since if you ask them the world is a pretty shitty and scary place to be – and your sofa suddenly feels pretty damn comfortable and safe. Worst of all – it’s not even free (of charge or bias).
Gaaah!
The very thing I like with the silence is its powerful effect on keeping us more connected with ourselves. In its many forms it is a number one blessing when you are trying to comprehend your million-dimensional-life. There is always a paradox with seeking more information “out there” and to finally come to the conclusion that it is really “in here”. There is also a paradox in a way people who spread the word about “in here” have to do it in a “out there” way. They have to regulate the real human interaction to get it in the first place. With or without the paradox it doesn’t take you long to see that things are not black and white anymore – you realize that everything is just different shades of gray and you are only one who can put some healthy color in it.
We all face our individual fight to keep the true, everlasting and genuine “in here” attached even though we experience the “out there” mostly in sudden, painful and manipulating way. I think with most of the information that I scan I tend to reflect it to my own “in here”. Because of the choice of always having the freedom to read whatever I want, read all the sides of the story, analyze the information from every aspect I can no longer say anything for a fact. If I would, I would have to consume myself by doing massive amount of research on the subjects to get my own, scientific double-blinded, clinical opinion. That would be pretty unrealistic and besides the point. So all we have at the end is our own “in here” – our gut feeling which is what we have to cultivate, cherish and welcome. We can only say that we have formed our opinion from that what speaks to us from withing after so-and-so many hours of individual learning – whether it would be in practice or in theory – and stand behind it. If it rings true, does no harm to yourself and others, it is something worth slowing down for. Listen, read, learn and take responsibility from yourself – and appreciate the wonder of it.
Silent shades of grey.
So for the past couple of days I’ve had this weird undertone in the back of my mental laa laa-song. I wasn’t really sure what it was and couldn’t really put it to words until today when I had a long chat about it with one of Tim’s friends Tara.
The thing is, Sydney is turning to show it’s ugly side, which is quite ironically the “beauty” what everyone is so keen on worshiping. It was really weird how slowly it started to creep upon me and I could notice it in small little things. For example, on my earlier travelings I’ve always found a friendly face who would be immediately interested on hearing more about my Mysterious Nordic country and I would easily get new friends and even stay in touch with them for the longest time. The thought of them or I being anyway superior hasn’t ever entered my mind – I’ve always been in the same starting point with them. Two strangers connecting and finding some common ground and shared experiences.
But in Sydney I’ve come across to a very wide spread disinterest which has even been blankly rude couple of times.
First things that struck me very odd when I came here was my visit to the Royal Botanic Gardens, where everywhere I looked people were jogging! I mean 90% of the people over the park were just jogging. Not walking, not strolling or enjoying or just being, but hard core running in the middle of the days hottest hours. The other weird thing was that in many places quite many people looked the same. When I visited Tim over the bar in the center which was surrounded by office sky scrapers I couldn’t even find him at first! All the men in the area were dark haired, tall, with a suit case, a beer class, wearing a well ironed beige collar shirt and suite pants. And all the ladies were in black heels, in a jacket suite and everything in them looked very refined to the point that no hair strand was out of place. I joked to J in a email I wrote him that maybe the teenage girls that we see in our capital, who all dress the same, put their hair the same and talked the same way grew up to be the same I saw in the Sydney corporate bar – copy cats. A real Attack of the Clones.
Finally it all crushed upon me this evening when we headed to the Manly’s most popular bar to celebrate Tim’s friends birthday party. We had enjoyed our time at the beach the whole day playing volleyball and getting burned and at the evenig headed home to change our clothes and get refreshed. Because I’m only carrying my little back bag I don’t have that much to wear so I take my hobbit shoes everywhere I go and don’t wear any make up. So for the evening at the bar the best that I could do was a hand made dress, white blouse and my FiveFingers. The tone in my head kept going lower and lower the further we headed towards the bar. Everyone over the streets were so….well…uppity. I thought that I’m the wrong person to judge anyone ever, so I just put it up to tiredness. But when we got the bar I finally couldn’t ignore it. I was SO out of place there! There wasn’t a single girl over there who wouldn’t have high heels, very dark eye makeup, straightened hair, lots of jewelry and a short skirt! Most of them had a champagne glass on the other hand and a little glittering purse on the other – tittering politely and casually brushing their hair with their hands. They were all very skinny. There wasn’t a single healthy framed girl in sight. All the guys were the same as well. Gel haired, sun glassed, jean wearing, muscular, flat heads. They all looked SO perfect for each other! A perfect match made in heaven, so perfect that it almost hurts my eyes.
As to underline the experience I even had one drunk guy come up to me and say “Hey, you have tattoos and I’m skinny enough so we would be a good couple!”.
Sigh.
Thank lord I had that chat with Tara. When I was unable to hold that undertone inside of my head I opened my mouth and puked the question out that I had been thinking the whole time: “Do you find Sydney to be superficial? Or am I just being paranoid”. And she explained. She explained that she had the same experience moving here from the States. That she loved Manly by the day but always forgot how shit it is by nights. That Manly is just a bit more superficial than the other parts of Sydney – so it’s more in your face. That the people here are not always disinterest because of your looks, but also because they don’t see a point in getting to know to a foreigner because they have such a tight friendship circle already and there’s too many foreigners. Foreigner come and go but their home town is forever and has been forever since people don’t move away from the cities the grew up in. And that you have to gather around a group of people who accept you as you are and then just shut out everyone else. Nice mental energy wasted there.
Another sigh.
Please, hit me, if I ever, ever, EVER end up in a relationship – romantic or other – were I wouldn’t be loved with my cellulite, varicose veins, stretch marks, roundness of my hids and thighs and sun spots. They all tell a story about me. What kinda genes I have, what kinda conditions I’ve conquered, how much I’ve seen and smiled. How brave I’ve been, how much I’ve grown. How big my heart is, how deeply and loyally I love and I take the best care of myself all the time. How I’ve been one with life.
The day that I believe that there isn’t uncodnitional love left for me in this world I will remind myself that I just have to look deeper inside.
“The Lord prefers common-looking people. That is why He made so many of them.” -Abraham Lincoln
“Your body needs to be held and to hold, to be touched and to touch. None of these needs is to be despised, denied, or repressed. But you have to keep searching for your body’s deeper need, the need for genuine love. Every time you are able to go beyond the body’s superficial desires for love, you are bringing your body home and moving toward integration and unity.” -Henri Nouwen
PS: This all struct me so hard that I even was fantasizing about leaving Sydney and look for a smaller town/beach nearby. But I’ll stay and challenge myself to find peace with it. It is only for a week.
Damn. I should never re-read the stuff that I write. Since every time I do I can’t do anything but sigh in wonder when I see how shit my writing is. J tells me it’s “cute and qurky” and generally likes it.
No J, you’re wrong. It’s not cute and quirky. It’s retarded.
I tend to write my sentences exactly how they are spoken. Most of the time it looks like random rambling which describe pretty accurately the way I mostly speak. This is, partially, because I’m very indifferent towards how words come out from my mouth in the first place. J wouldn’t be the first one to point out how I just invent new words out of the blue and just expect people to understand me. When I was little I used to get Encyclopedias and Dictionaries on my birthdays from my siblings since they were bored on hearing me using international words incorrectly. I still have them. Apparently it was a waste of good earned money:D
Js sister lay it down to me quite efficiently on the New Years Eve, when she just looked at me long and finally said with a smirk “Did you know that you’re a total cretin.” It must be true since everyone around us fell in a agreeing silence and just looked at me.
And that is not all. I also skip words. I just think that my mind goes way faster than my mouth. And during explaining stuff I may have already come to a conclusion inside of my head before I finish the sentence and instead of finishing the sentence and then starting another one about my conclusion, I just skip right to the conclusion. Usually from there I even continue to the next subject or sentence without bothering to check if everyone is still aboard. Plus to this I also shorten words as well. Instead of “I’m a Graphic Designer” I may say “I’m a Graph” or instead of “Illustration” I may say “draw-ee”. Sigh.
I’ve been even heard to describe a fork as a “Yeah, the stick with the sticks on it”. That’s totally understandable? I mean how many sticks there is in a world that has another pair of sticks on it! You might say “Well, a tooth brush or a sweeper” but you know, in my mind they are sticks with hair on them. Doh!
Well. There wasn’t any real point with this post. I just re-read my stuff a minute ago and felt my eyes start to bleed from all the typos. I guess I should start to write with my mother language finally. At least then I would insult only 0.1% of the world population accidentally.
Thank lord that more often than not it’s just the words that come blubbering out and not the general idea. So. I might be crap with the words but I like to think that I am well off making my point cross when needed and what’s most important – I know when to shut up when it’s time.
Silencio. For the longest time. Nada. Zip. Empty. Still. Ah yes, but still ever so happy;) I’m annoying in that way, I know;)
Well, enough with the dramatic start after a long silence. I’ll cut straight to the point.
This isn’t exactly “The New Era” like the title says. I think our each and every morning we wake up is a potential New Era to be happen anyway. But I thought it would be a cool start after you’ve been reading the “Beginning of the New Era”-title for so long, without any relief to the questions that where the *F* I have been up to.
Lo’ And Behold -I am sill alive and well. And the title has been right in that way that, many things have indeed happened and many things have indeed changed (don’t they all the time?). Because I want to be punctual in some areas I’m gonna categorize this post to Changes in the Outside and Change in the Inside section. And we’ll start on:
Changes in the Outside
Well, first off. I’m in love. I know I know, this has a LOT to do with the Change in the Inside more than Outside. But it definitely affects the Outside as well. I have met the love of my life 7 months ago and I’m still freakishly smittend about him. I know it sounds such a cliche when I say that I have never felt anything like this before – but luckily it is very true to me. I think that in all our love we always feel that it is something we have never experience before because love is ever expanding and it is always pushing the limits of our emotional horizon and broadening the confines of our hearts. It will never be the same no matter how many times we loose it or find it. If our paths ever separate I can always trust love to surprise me again. That is the beauty of everything.
So yes, the affect is definitely in the Inside, but the Outside is affected by suddenly spending less time at home and more time at adventuring and feeling a lot relaxed about many things and being scared less. Spending less time over the internet and more time relating and learning by doing and not by reading. But let’s talk more about this later on, for now I can only say that I have never been happier in my everhappiness.
Secondly. I’m not going to Turku Art Academy after all. As some of you remember me saying that I got selected from hundreds of applicants to join the Digital Arts degree after some grueling 3 week preliminary assignments and 4 day long exams. Also, at the time I had just received a very good job and decided to skip the school for two years (by the Finnish law I can do that for maximum of 2 years without loosing the place of study), do my work good, get great recommendations and experience and then start to concentrate on a totally new trade of game illustration and 3D. Well as it turned out the Art Academy got in to some financial problems and the whole degree of Digital Arts got canceled after 5 years of it’s foundation. That would be last year of my time. So when I called them they had decided to stuff me into the Advertising & Marketin degree program, which at first didn’t seem like such a bad idea. It was a highly respected school and I had already been mentally ready for starting my studies and was quite excited to move to Turku – also, I was waiting to do my exchange year pretty soon so I didn’t really care about the academy’s financial situation, all I could see was positive things either way.
During these arrangements it slowly started to come pretty clear to me that my boss was quite strongly against of me moving to Turku. He really wanted me to stay at the company and started to offer all sorts of perks if I just committed myself to the business. After all why would I want to go to study a degree that I already knew and had worked in the field for almost 10 years now. He was willing to give me education and a raise. He promised that all sorts of arrangements from my behalf could be look up to if I just stayed.
So I started to wonder…… I interviewed some of the students from the school and my friends who had been studying in there. I was expecting some negative feedback from the financial troubles, but I wasn’t expecting AT ALL the amount of crushing critique I would have to hear. They were all 100% certain that I would just waste my talent in the school that after working in the field for so long and really starting to be quite at ease and talented with the graphic design they wouldn’t have anything to offer me. The atmosphere in the school was reported to be pretty negative and I could only apply for the exchange period in my 3rd year of studies…which sounded pretty far away in the future.
Then i talked with my father. He pointed out that I was in a good, good, GOOD place in my life. I had a very steady job which would surely survive the becoming world depression. They were willing to do very much to keep me there and even though the field isn’t exactly what I want to do with my talent, they have treated me more than farely and my clients absolutely adore me. My financial stuff have also been very good lately and I’ve been very relaxed since there hasn’t been any need to stress about basic survival as a starving artist.
These all sealed my decision. The thought of staying in Helsinki was causing the biggest anxiety. My traveling feet had been inching for the longest time. I wanted to get moving. I wanted to see other place. The lifelong question of “There has to me more than this”-was nagging my heart more than ever. But…. then again… If I stayed i would secure my income and be able to save better. I would be able to polish my talent in my work as a Graphic Designer and I could plan in peace that what do I want to do next. Not a bad compromise if you ask me.
So now I have until the end of my Sydney & Thailand trip to decide what I want to do with the company. I promised my boss to come to some conclusion before the summer. Either way it seems that I’m gonna stay there at least over the autumn 2009. And I have to say, after the inital shock, I’m quite happy how this turned out. Like with the studying, I don’t see anything but possibilities in this situation.
Third. I have been relaxed with my training lately. This has a lot to do what has been happening inside of me, so I’ll continue about it later on.
Fourth. I have started meditation. And since it has all to do with the Inside and not the Outside I’ll move on to:
Changes in the Inside
Love has affected a lot of the things in the Inside. Love towards my self and love towards another. It has been a two way street – the more I give the more I have received and vice versa.
It might be that this section is gonna be shorter than the previous one, but I can say that the affects have been far greater. Million times greater.
The biggest, most profound change has been towards my body. It has started to slowly loose it’s grip as the center point of my identity and gain some momentum in healthy respect, appreciation and oneness. This has a lot to do with love for sure. For the very first time in my life I have met a person who accepts me the way I am – unconditionally. It is as simple and as stunning as that. The forever defining question of “There has to me more than this” has finally showed me what this kind of acceptance can affect ones soul.
First off, I have to tell you that I never thought that even tho’ I deeply craved for acceptance to someone to meet me as I was, that it would be so damned hard to accept when it finally happened. I think this kind of wish is deeply engraved in every one of us. But to suddenly have it, the issue was not about receiving it anymore – it was more about accepting it and allowing it to happen than anything else. It is much more easier to believe that “I am not good the way that I am” if all you have ever heard in your life is “You should be something different so that you can be loved”. It slowly starts to be your inner dialogue which doesn’t always necessarily affect everything in your life but what you carry with you as an unwritten rule about your own value and what gnaws inside of you ever so slowly, but surely. And something that has gnawed you, your entire life is hard to get whole again, but possible beyond a doubt.
All of the sudden the quotes about finding everything you’ll every need from the inside started to make new sense.
“Your task is not to seek for love, but merely to seek and find all the barriers within yourself that you have built against it.”
Jalal ad-Din Rumi
“It is wrong to think that misfortunes come from the east or from the west; they originate within one’s own mind. Therefore, it is foolish to guard against misfortunes from the external world and leave the inner mind uncontrolled.”
Buddha
“I was always looking outside myself for strength and confidence but it comes from within. It is there all the time.”
Anna Freud
“Very little is needed to make a happy life; it is all within yourself, in your way of thinking” Marcus Aurelius
There is a great deal of more depth and resonance. I have concluded that it might not always be in our power to bring change to ourselves and to heal from our wounds. We need other people to show our raw spots and we need our experience from acceptance. But when that experience comes, when we see our raw spots, THEN it is our – and ONLY OUR – responsibility to seize that opportunity to change and heal and lunge towards it with all our might and courage. And do it within and nowhere else.
And I’ve been lunging. And it’s been exhilarating and scary at the same time. I’ve had the inkling of this change for some time already. I knew it like you know when the shadow changed to sun on your face when you were lying eyes close on a summer field.
So there comes my Coach Scott Abel to guide me to the right direction with my athleticism when I asked life to give me new tools to find love towards my body. There come meditation to my life when I prayed for find love towards mind. There came J, when I was least expecting to find love towards my heart. So it is a full circle now. Body, Mind and Heart. And they are all tenderly healing in this moment, right now. In the Present, as a Present.
So here it is, in a nut shell. Next up is a post about my Sydney & Thailand 2009 trip which is in a weeks time. Pre-EEEEEK!
I truly feel that something inside of me is deeply gonna change in the following months. I have this inkling that something nice and big is gonna happen. I’m feeling very positive, vibrant and happy about this becoming change which is already started to happen. I feel that my inner calm is starting to return to that what it was before my last diet ended. I’m finding my inner strength and tapping into it with joy. I stumbled, but that just happens sometimes. I’m rising and I know it’s not gonna take long to catch up and be on the flow again. I’m happy. I’m full of possibilities.
Ok, the topic is a bit more dramatic than it should be, but it got your attention, right?
People always ask me how come i love to training so much. How come I don’t get bored on healthy stuff. To me, it’s obvious, it’s because I want to life long and I want to live healthy. I know my odds are not that great because of my health history. I know the research and the statistics, but I realize that I have the power to affect those statistics AND there is always the factor of chance. I just might get lucky. Even more luckier than I am now. I just might do lots of good to myself by taking care of my body and mind AND even get the chance to live long and happy without any problems at all.
At least, that’s how I, in my heart, see these issues. I can only do my best against the great odds and enjoy the ride as long as it takes.
When I first got sick with my autoimmune thyroid disease, I read all kinds of research on how patients with different autoimmune issues have a high risk of getting new, different, autoimmune conditions – which can be sometimes be lethal. Also, people with autoimmune stuff have a higher risk on getting cancer. When I read those I though “ah, well, shit happens, I have to fix this problem first, before I can worry about that.” I decided that I’m not gonna sweat it. I have a higher risk to die suddenly in a car accident tomorrow than to get cancer tomorrow. I saw that, what ever happens, I can’t do nothing but my best. All i can do is to play the best game that I can with these cards I have and take each move when it comes – one by one.
Today something happened that made me remember why I feel my happiness so vividly and why it’s such a constant state of being for me:
Last spring I got a small rash on my ankle. It was nothing bad. Just a small spot of dry skin and it didn’t even itch. I tried to make it better with some lotion but after couple of months it spread to my other ankle. It was still nothing bad. It didn’t hurt and it didn’t really look so bad either. But after it spread I though that I should probably go and check it out with a doctor. The doctor said that it’s gonna be ok, and just put some cortisone lotion on it. Well, I did, and the other ankle, where it’d spread, did heal. But the original rash still stayed. Since it was nothing bad, I lived with it for almost a year, until last month I started to put cortisone lotion to it again. I had planned to heal it away before the summer comes so I don’t have to worry about it anymore. Everything was ok until last week I noticed that same kinda small spot of rash on my knee. I didn’t think much of it then, but a week after that i noticed another dry spot on my shoulder and started to get a bit worried.
So I went to the doctors yesterday. And she basically said that there is 4 options.
1. It’s an allergic reaction to something, but it’s unlikely.
2. It’s psoriasis. A mild one, but still, psoriasis.
3. It’s a skin condition called lichen planus which is an autoimmune disease.
4. She’s wrong and it’s nothing above, but something totally different.
Nice. Well. I didn’t worry too much about it. I have learned to take things as they are, and until they completed the skin testing I was not gonna be hysterical.
This morning though I noticed a new spot on my tummy. They don’t look so bad (just basically a little red area with some dry skin) and they still don’t itch at all, BUT it made me a bit more worried. I tried to call the hospital if they could take the skin samples already today, but the earliest appointment they had was on Monday. So I have a whole weekend before me to try not to think what’s wrong in my body again.
Like with every other condition I have, I always try to learn everything it about it. So of course my first reaction was to look up the different conditions and try to see my options. If it’s psoriasis, I can live with it. They can heal it pretty nicely now days and I’m pretty sure mine wouldn’t be so bad. If it’s allergic reaction, great. I stop eating the stuff I’m allergic to. If it’s another autoimmune disease…well…apparently then my risks of getting cancer doubles up from the previous risks and it might be tricky to heal, since nobody really knows what’s affecting it…but I could handle that. If it’s something entirely different, I take it as it comes, and deal my hand in a different way. And then it kinda dawned to me. I realized that whether it’d be this or that, I would still just take it as it comes and be “happy with it”. I realized that through my previous battles with my health, I had learned a certain kinda acceptance in my life. It’s not gonna prevent me from fighting back and it certainly isn’t same as surrendering. It’s more like a feeling just being O.K with the things that come and being certain that not matter what they are, I can handle it.
So although, I’m slightly worried, it reminded me again why I’m doing what I’m doing. Why I’m aiming to take nothing for granted and why I want to live each day to it’s fullest.
Life happens. After reading from today’s news that there is over 40 000 people in Los Angeles whom got HIV from re-used syringes in an hospital, I’m pretty sure my case is still pretty good. I’m still alive. I have nothing that is gonna kill me. I have a RISK that i might get something that kills me. But that’s a different thing. Until they diagnose me with something lethal I’m not gonna quit. And even if they would diagnose that it’s something lethal, I’m STILL not gonna quit.
So it has been kinda empowering to notice my thought processes in these issues. Yeah, I’ve been a bit worried, it’s normal when something new and un-ordinary happens but it still revalued my perspectives and my inner strength. It reminded me how stubborn I can be and how I have an natural way of seeing things in a positive light. I saw, that despite of everything, I’m very very VERY blessed in those ways.
So maybe it’s nothing, maybe it’s something. We’ll see on Monday.
Until then I’m not gonna take my blessings for granted. I adapt. Accept. And I stay happy.
“Now if you are going to win any battle you have to do one thing. You have to make the mind run the body. Never let the body tell the mind what to do. The body will always give up. It is always tired in the morning, noon, and night. But the body is never tired if the mind is not tired.” -General George S. Patton
Damn, the time goes so fast!
As I said before I’ve been quite busy and distracted from my blog the last couple of days, but today I’m gonna update more detailed version of my current feelings:)
In a nut shell: Everything is going GREAT -which is not so surprising, since I’ve been repeating that word over and over again in this blog:D But there isn’t just any other word I could use really. I think my attitude is the biggest reason why I’ve been successful. Very many people just tend to complain a lot and see dieting as a big obstacle of constant suffering and “restricting oneself”. In reality, it’s something completely different. It opens you up to new possibilities and new point of views. It “builds your character” in a very empowering way. Of course this is the case with every big change you make a conscious effort to accomplish. It just makes you so much richer in every aspect of your life. At first you have this knot in you stomach. You feel nervous and a bit lost – the task ahead seems so huge, complicated and hard to do. You think about it day and night and make some last preparations, and then there is nothing more to do than the actual doing. And of course, those first few days you still feel the knot in your stomach and think that “am I gonna make it?”. Due time, with doing, that question will change to a firm certainty that “Yes, I am gonna do it! Yes, everything is possible!”.
It’s hard to describe how many little things you learn each day. Because every day, before I go to bed, I always have a feeling that I’ve accomplished something new today again. That something has changed my perspective to things again.
Some can actually think that I could speak about dieting (as an example) like it’s a massive philosophical answer to everything in life. It’s a huge task and people do complain about it when undertaking it as a tasks. It’s weird to say, but in some funny way it is. If you just take away the word “dieting” and just look at the concept of what we’re doing, it pretty much is the same mental and spiritual learning experience you HAVE every day of you life. Take any great accomplishment, goal, growth or need for change and think about what it takes you to have it. Yeah, it’s about deciding and being inspired and accomplishing them all, doing it every day, making the right choices and staying on that path. But in reality, it’s most about being aware how you do it. Being inspired is nothing if you’re not aware of inspiration. Accomplishing is nearly impossible if you’re not aware how you’re going get it. “Doing it everyday” is gonna change to “I can do something else and tomorrow I’ll be back on track”-mentality very fast if you’re not aware of your though patterns. Making the right choice is pretty much impossible if you’re not aware of how you’re doing them. “Staying on the right path” is nothing but just “staying on the path” if there isn’t awareness of what’s happening around you -you’re not aware if it’s the right one or the wrong one.
A good example to this is one of my closest friends Ms. E. We met last summer and became amazing friends. Now, she’s had her fair share of struggles in life. And she’s still in the middle of some huge changes in her heart, soul and thoughts. From the MINUTE that I saw her I knew that she’s gonna be just O.K. no matter how lost she felt. Her general attitude and most of all, her awareness were just superb. And what’s even more amazing is that she, more or less, came aware “only” when she was 28 years old. Before that she had 28 years of stuffed emotions and toned down personality behind her. If you think that dieting is hard, you can only imagine how hard it can be to change life long habits, thought processes, awareness and spirituality all at the same time! Facing the difficulties of dieting is NOTHING compared to a person facing her full potential for the very first time in her life. The changes are monumental and make your entire soul tremble when you’re opening up yourself to them. But even though standing in front of them is the most scariest thing on earth, I have seen nothing but beauty and strength in her path. She has stumbled and hurt and cut herself on the way, but by god, the awareness and newly born openness of her soul is just absolutely beautiful. She has prescribed to me so many times how lost, and confused and little she feels with these changes, but when I look at her, I see just potential, amazing strength and a girl who has nothing in front of her than success. And why do I see this? Because the state of awareness what she carries with herself all the time is so powerful that it just “automatically” carries her to the right direction. Even though she doesn’t always feel this and she has days when everything feels even more confusing that it originally was, she has opened her heart to awareness, with all it’s might and with all it’s fret. When you’re in the middle of this kinda huge changes you don’t see all so clearly at all. Because of the huge emotions and choices you’re doing you can feel more lost than you were even when you begun everything. But just choosing the awareness had already put you “on the right path” with all its colors and might. The certainty of this “right path” comes very slowly and through different experiences. Because of that, she is just gonna be ok. Because she’s so aware, and she surrounds herself with people who encourage this and support her. On the good note, even though being aware is sometimes scary, I think when you first start to learn to be it, you never really can unlearn it. And it gets easier by time.
When you start to change you’re life (whether it’s dieting, job, circle of friends, school, relationships etc) it’s about being aware how you’re doing it, that matters the most. After that everything comes a long pretty automatically, even though it doesn’t always feel like it. This is at least how I, personally, experience it.
Well anyway, back to dieting ^-^ My friend, who is a professional photographer is going to take some cool pictures of me around April, after the diet is over. He’s gonna do it for free since my birthday is on April. It’s nice to have some good photos taken about the success I’ve had. I have no doubt in my mind that I wouldn’t continue this diet without fail. I’m even thinking about continuing it past April if I haven’t reached my goals then yet. Keeping away from junk food etc is getting easier by the day. ooohh.. I just can’t wait how I feel in a months time from now!
PS: I read this blog again later on and realized that might have been a bit incoherent in some places:D I hope that you in some how got a hold on what I was aiming at. *scatter brain*
So here’s some random thoughts I had today:
I’ve often thought that how many people would make something towards their happiness if it would be easier to get. If someone would say “I hold The Secret for happiness that lasts with you for all eternity, which makes you peaceful, content and balanced. Which would make you feel a champion for the every day of your life and make it impossible to ever feel depressed, beaten or a looser.” How many people you think would be excited to hear the answer to that? How many do you think would be happy to change anything in their life, for happiness for eternity? Pretty many. If the sentence would continue “…BUT it means that it may take you anything to 3-60 years to have it and it needs some pretty hard work. Remember the price is happiness forever, but for 3-60 years you really have to work for it.” How many do you think STILL would be up to hear the answer? Not so many. Why? Because in my experience people are fixated to the idea of “quick-fixes” for their distress and unhappiness. “Oh, I’m feeling empty, let’s eat something.”, “Oh, I’m feeling sad, let’s get drunk.” “Oh, I’m feeling worried and annoying, maybe I should forget it by watching TV ’till I fall a sleep”. In most cases there isn’t even a sentence that begins with “Oh, I’m feeling…”. People just suddenly realize that they’re not feeling “right”, or even unconsciously feels something “out of order” and just end up in a “quick-fix” to get the feeling away -to have some “result” for that feeling – and not even think about what they’re doing! In some cases people actually realize that they are doing something fucked up, because they try to forget another fucked up thing. They see and feel and realize that they are substituting a bad feeling with a quick-fix….-but STILL DO IT!
Heh, I’ve done this all in the past as well. Also with my smoking and drinking what I mentioned on my earlier post. I think in some level my smoking while drinking was a way to “have a relief” to something that was bothering me emotionally. In this case, I was aware that I was doing a “quick-fix”, but STILL did it! I didn’t (and still am not quite sure) what was the emotional distress I was trying to avoid by smoking, but despite being aware, I still smoked and thought “oh, what the hell!” anyway. It can be kinda embarrassing later on to admit that that was actually the case ^-^ We know in our society how incredibly difficult it is to break physiological habits, such as smoking, drinking and the like. We can sometimes even feel and realize the mental debris of bad thinking habits and thought strategies such as the ones mentioned above. Because mental habits and the emotional “trash” that comes with physiological habits are so hard to break a vast majority of people look for easy roads to take to get to achievement or to not to “feel bad”. It can be an emotion or a sense that makes you do an bad physiological habit, or it can be a bad physiological habit that makes you do the wrong emotional thought patterns. In these situations I think many fail to realize that what they are as a person is not the same what they are feeling. That if they are feeling something, it is not actually the only way to define things. That to “get something” does not make you a better person but “being” in that process to “get something” is what makes you a better person each day.
To learn to use my emotions to think was one of the biggest realizations I had, which helped me to find some pretty solid inner peace. I think those people are quite rare who realize that emotions and what you are as a individual is a different thing. Many people just react. Feeling is just an emotion -it is NOT what your identity is. It is NOT something you “don’t have control over”. It’s not there to make you react -it’s there to guide you. It’s self made and like I’ve said it before there is always a logic behind any emotion. It is said that people have over 100,000 thoughts per day. Many of these thoughts are ones that relate to different emotions we are experiencing. And like thoughts, there is hundreds of emotions we can feel inside of us, and they are just as passing and vibrant as those thoughts. There isn’t an emotion that would last forever. No bad feeling should be “quick-fixed” away from your life. It is there for a reason. It guides you and you SHOULD let it guide you, until it passes away -since that’s what it’s gonna do eventually anyway. So make the most of it. Be aware of it. And be gentle with yourself. Breaking a thought pattern which is harmful isn’t easy. It needs a lot of love, time and compassion towards yourself. It takes some time to learn to trust that the bad feelings actually do go away. It doesn’t happen over night. Actually, for some it might last anything from 3-60 years to learn it. So what? Again, it’s still about the person you are “being” between those 3-60 years than about what you’ll be AFTER them. After you realize that, maybe the promised Secret of Happiness will becomes reality. So my advice, which i repeat to myself every day, is to embrace the blessing that you are able. Celebrate the possibilities that have been given to you as a human being. Your resources are limitless and the maximum potential inside you is real.
To me personally, this has been a looooooong and interesting learning process. Now days, if I “feel bad” I don’t immediately do a “quick-fix” to get rid of it. Instead I just let it be -and try not to think with my emotions, rather than use emotions to think. If I feel empty, confused, scared, frustrated, lost, deprived or just tired I try to remind myself that it’ll pass. It’s been an essential part of this diet as well. I’ve got many mixed feelings during this process, but I just try my best with them. They never lasts forever. And it’s actually a good thing that they’re there. My emotions are sign of being alive, of being aware and being on a empowering journey. It’s a sing that something new and tender is again growing inside of me, breaking through, making me more aware and I just have accept that it’s there, listen to it, let it guide me and then just let go. Trusting the process of healing and growing becomes easier every day. This is just one learning process for me among others. And I’m not here to tell you the absolute truth how the mind and body works. I’m still trying to figure out myself too. So this is just one thought of those 100,000 which I’ll have today.
“God, Grant me the serenity to accept the things I cannot change, The courage to change the things I can, And the wisdom to know the difference. ” -Serenity Prayer
If you haven’t read Sheldon B. Kopp’s book “If You Meet the Buddha on the Road, Kill Him!” book I highly recommend it! I read it a year ago when I was struggling with myself and with all the insecure feelings I had. There was a particularly hopefull chapter at the end which was called “The Laundry List”. I used to have it printed on my wall, beside my bed and I read it every night before falling a sleep. To some it might sound a bit “harsh” (it makes more sense after reading the book though), but to me it just sounded so true and so full of hope. It just dimished all my stress about everything and put it in perspective.
“This is it! There are no hidden meanings. You can’t get there from here, and besides there’s no place else to go. We are all already dying, and we will be dead for a long time and nothing lasts. There is no way of getting all you want and you can’t have anything unless you let go of it. You only get to keep what you give away. There is no particular reason why you lost out on some things since the world is not necessarily just. Being good often does not pay off and there is no compensation for misfortune but you have a responsibility to do your best nonetheless. It is a random universe to which we bring meaning and you don’t really control anything. You can’t make anyone love you. No one is any stronger or any weaker than anyone else since everyone is, in his own way, vulnerable. There are no great men and if you have a hero, look again: you have diminished yourself in some way. Everyone lies, cheats, pretends (yes, you too, and most certainly I myself) but all evil is potential vitality in need of transformation. All of you is worth something, if you will only own it. Progress is an illusion. Evil can be displaced but never eradicated, as all solutions breed new problems, yet it is necessary to keep on struggling toward solution. Childhood is a nightmare, but it is so very hard to be an on-your-own, take-care-of -yourself -cause-there-is-no-one-else-to-do-it-for-you grown-up. Each of us is ultimately alone and the most important things, each man must do for himself. Love is not enough, but it sure helps. We have only ourselves, and one another. That may not be much, but that’s all there is. How strange, that so often, it all seems worth it. We must live within the ambiguity of partial freedom, partial power, and partial knowledge. All important decisions must be made on the basis of insufficient data, yet we are responsible for everything we do. No excuses will be accepted since you can run, but you can’t hide. It is most important to run out of scapegoats. We must learn the power of living with our helplessness but the only victory lies in surrender to oneself. All of the significant battles are waged within the self. You are free to do whatever you lik – you need only to face the consequences.
What do you know . . . for sure . . . anyway?
Last but not least: Learn to forgive yourself, again and again and again and again. . . .”
-Sheldon Kopp
Just got back from the BEAUTIFUL winter scenery and a looong walk with a good friend of mine. Oh, it FINALLY snowed in here, and I’m ecstatic! We were kicking snow all around and just enjoying the cold breeze and the lightness of life. I feel so peacefull, certain and calm all around. Everything feels just the way it should be feeling. Through good and bad times in my life I’ve always have this inner peace which would always tell me that everything is gonna be ok, I’m loved and all things are just the way they should be.
It’s funny how almost 5 years ago JUST before I got sick with Graves disease I had a long period in my life when I just felt good. I was just in this same inner peace-state that I mentioned before. I just…well…floated around. Everything was OK and all things just fell in their right places. Because I was still quite young I remember SO vividly that one night when I thought “Oh! It’s been SO happy and so peacefully and so ok that I want some ACTION. I want something big to happen again so I can grow and feel challenged! I can’t grow as a human being when I’m HAPPY. What doesn’t kill you makes you stronger! Happiness does nothing but put me in a boring static where nothing goes forward”. Little did I know when I said that since 2 weeks after that I was diagnosed with the disease and everything went up side down for the next 5 years. After that, when I was struggling with life most, I always remembered that evening and shook my head in disbelieve how STUPID I was when I said that. Like it would be the real reason all went so wrong. A punishment for me not valuing enough what had been given to me.
Two years after that evening I was sitting outside of my fathers terrace, looking at the lake and talking about everything related to life with him. I told him about that one night and he smiled and said to me something that would change me deeply. “It’s funny, how people think that only pain makes you grow. That only through that agony you feel somehow more alive than what you would, if you’d be happy. It’s wrong. Happiness can make you grow as much, and EVEN more, than pain can. It just depends of the person to take advantage of that time and letting it lead you further. We just so rarely are taught that.” I stopped. Blinked. Inhaled and thought about that evening again, when I had said the exact opposite…and SWORE than when all this is over, when I’ll survive, when the most acute pain is over and when I start to heal, I’ll NEVER gonna take it for granted again. I’ll cherish it and make the most of it.
So today, when I was admiring the snowy lakesides and the buzz of the city in a white and cold gown I remembered my fathers words…and realised how happy I was again. How I had just found that peacefull place again and I was there at the beginning of another cycle. How soooo much has happened and how different I am now and it’s all good that it happened.
I will make the most of this. And I’m never gonna be anxious again about my happiness. I now realize how much more this can bring to my inner wealth than any pain could ever bring. And I can so clearly see the potential it gives me and gives to others around me.
Through this realization I was not afraid so much about changing and making decision to challenge myself mentally, spiritually and physically. To go a step further to be more better. Growing is a good place to be – with all it’s might and the fret it brings.
“It’s emphatic to remember first and foremost that we are not human beings having a spiritual experience, rather we are spiritual beings, having a human experience” -Wayne Dyer
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