The Beginning of a New Era

I truly feel that something inside of me is deeply gonna change in the following months. I have this inkling that something nice and big is gonna happen. I’m feeling very positive, vibrant and happy about this becoming change which is already started to happen. I feel that my inner calm is starting to return to that what it was before my last diet ended. I’m finding my inner strength and tapping into it with joy. I stumbled, but that just happens sometimes. I’m rising and I know it’s not gonna take long to catch up and be on the flow again. I’m happy. I’m full of possibilities.

Death risk -My reasons to be the best that I can.

Ok, the topic is a bit more dramatic than it should be, but it got your attention, right?

People always ask me how come i love to training so much. How come I don’t get bored on healthy stuff. To me, it’s obvious, it’s because I want to life long and I want to live healthy. I know my odds are not that great because of my health history. I know the research and the statistics, but I realize that I have the power to affect those statistics AND there is always the factor of chance. I just might get lucky. Even more luckier than I am now. I just might do lots of good to myself by taking care of my body and mind AND even get the chance to live long and happy without any problems at all.

At least, that’s how I, in my heart, see these issues. I can only do my best against the great odds and enjoy the ride as long as it takes.

When I first got sick with my autoimmune thyroid disease, I read all kinds of research on how patients with different autoimmune issues have a high risk of getting new, different, autoimmune conditions – which can be sometimes be lethal. Also, people with autoimmune stuff have a higher risk on getting cancer. When I read those I though “ah, well, shit happens, I have to fix this problem first, before I can worry about that.” I decided that I’m not gonna sweat it. I have a higher risk to die suddenly in a car accident tomorrow than to get cancer tomorrow. I saw that, what ever happens, I can’t do nothing but my best. All i can do is to play the best game that I can with these cards I have and take each move when it comes – one by one.

Today something happened that made me remember why I feel my happiness so vividly and why it’s such a constant state of being for me:
Last spring I got a small rash on my ankle. It was nothing bad. Just a small spot of dry skin and it didn’t even itch. I tried to make it better with some lotion but after couple of months it spread to my other ankle. It was still nothing bad. It didn’t hurt and it didn’t really look so bad either. But after it spread I though that I should probably go and check it out with a doctor. The doctor said that it’s gonna be ok, and just put some cortisone lotion on it. Well, I did, and the other ankle, where it’d spread, did heal. But the original rash still stayed. Since it was nothing bad, I lived with it for almost a year, until last month I started to put cortisone lotion to it again. I had planned to heal it away before the summer comes so I don’t have to worry about it anymore. Everything was ok until last week I noticed that same kinda small spot of rash on my knee. I didn’t think much of it then, but a week after that i noticed another dry spot on my shoulder and started to get a bit worried.

So I went to the doctors yesterday. And she basically said that there is 4 options.
1. It’s an allergic reaction to something, but it’s unlikely.
2. It’s psoriasis. A mild one, but still, psoriasis.
3. It’s a skin condition called lichen planus which is an autoimmune disease.
4. She’s wrong and it’s nothing above, but something totally different.

Nice. Well. I didn’t worry too much about it. I have learned to take things as they are, and until they completed the skin testing I was not gonna be hysterical.

This morning though I noticed a new spot on my tummy. They don’t look so bad (just basically a little red area with some dry skin) and they still don’t itch at all, BUT it made me a bit more worried. I tried to call the hospital if they could take the skin samples already today, but the earliest appointment they had was on Monday. So I have a whole weekend before me to try not to think what’s wrong in my body again.

Like with every other condition I have, I always try to learn everything it about it. So of course my first reaction was to look up the different conditions and try to see my options. If it’s psoriasis, I can live with it. They can heal it pretty nicely now days and I’m pretty sure mine wouldn’t be so bad. If it’s allergic reaction, great. I stop eating the stuff I’m allergic to. If it’s another autoimmune disease…well…apparently then my risks of getting cancer doubles up from the previous risks and it might be tricky to heal, since nobody really knows what’s affecting it…but I could handle that. If it’s something entirely different, I take it as it comes, and deal my hand in a different way. And then it kinda dawned to me. I realized that whether it’d be this or that, I would still just take it as it comes and be “happy with it”. I realized that through my previous battles with my health, I had learned a certain kinda acceptance in my life. It’s not gonna prevent me from fighting back and it certainly isn’t same as surrendering. It’s more like a feeling just being O.K with the things that come and being certain that not matter what they are, I can handle it.

So although, I’m slightly worried, it reminded me again why I’m doing what I’m doing. Why I’m aiming to take nothing for granted and why I want to live each day to it’s fullest.

Life happens. After reading from today’s news that there is over 40 000 people in Los Angeles whom got HIV from re-used syringes in an hospital, I’m pretty sure my case is still pretty good. I’m still alive. I have nothing that is gonna kill me. I have a RISK that i might get something that kills me. But that’s a different thing. Until they diagnose me with something lethal I’m not gonna quit. And even if they would diagnose that it’s something lethal, I’m STILL not gonna quit.

So it has been kinda empowering to notice my thought processes in these issues. Yeah, I’ve been a bit worried, it’s normal when something new and un-ordinary happens but it still revalued my perspectives and my inner strength. It reminded me how stubborn I can be and how I have an natural way of seeing things in a positive light. I saw, that despite of everything, I’m very very VERY blessed in those ways.

So maybe it’s nothing, maybe it’s something. We’ll see on Monday.

Until then I’m not gonna take my blessings for granted. I adapt. Accept. And I stay happy.

“Now if you are going to win any battle you have to do one thing. You have to make the mind run the body. Never let the body tell the mind what to do. The body will always give up. It is always tired in the morning, noon, and night. But the body is never tired if the mind is not tired.” -General George S. Patton

Be aware and do everything, everyday, every way

Damn, the time goes so fast!
As I said before I’ve been quite busy and distracted from my blog the last couple of days, but today I’m gonna update more detailed version of my current feelings:)

In a nut shell: Everything is going GREAT -which is not so surprising, since I’ve been repeating that word over and over again in this blog:D But there isn’t just any other word I could use really. I think my attitude is the biggest reason why I’ve been successful. Very many people just tend to complain a lot and see dieting as a big obstacle of constant suffering and “restricting oneself”. In reality, it’s something completely different. It opens you up to new possibilities and new point of views. It “builds your character” in a very empowering way.  Of course this is the case with every big change you make a conscious effort to accomplish. It just makes you so much richer in every aspect of your life. At first you have this knot in you stomach. You feel nervous and a bit lost – the task ahead seems so huge, complicated and hard to do. You think about it day and night and make some last preparations, and then there is nothing more to do than the actual doing. And of course, those first few days you still feel the knot in your stomach and think that “am I gonna make it?”. Due time, with doing, that question will change to a firm certainty that “Yes, I am gonna do it! Yes, everything is possible!”.
It’s hard to describe how many little things you learn each day. Because every day, before I go to bed, I always have a feeling that I’ve accomplished something new today again. That something has changed my perspective to things again.

Some can actually think that I could speak about dieting (as an example) like it’s a massive philosophical answer to everything in life. It’s a huge task and people do complain about it when undertaking it as a tasks. It’s weird to say, but in some funny way it is. If you just take away the word “dieting” and just look at the concept of what we’re doing, it pretty much is the same mental and spiritual learning experience you HAVE every day of you life. Take any great accomplishment, goal, growth or need for change and think about what it takes you to have it. Yeah, it’s about deciding and being inspired and accomplishing them all, doing it every day, making the right choices and staying on that path. But in reality, it’s most about being aware how you do it. Being inspired is nothing if you’re not aware of inspiration. Accomplishing is nearly impossible if you’re not aware how you’re going get it. “Doing it everyday” is gonna change to “I can do something else and tomorrow I’ll be back on track”-mentality very fast if you’re not aware of your though patterns. Making the right choice is pretty much impossible if you’re not aware of how you’re doing them. “Staying on the right path” is nothing but just “staying on the path” if there isn’t awareness of what’s happening around you -you’re not aware if it’s the right one or the wrong one.

A good example to this is one of my closest friends Ms. E. We met last summer and became amazing friends. Now, she’s had her fair share of struggles in life. And she’s still in the middle of some huge changes in her heart, soul and thoughts. From the MINUTE that I saw her I knew that she’s gonna be just O.K. no matter how lost she felt. Her general attitude and most of all, her awareness were just superb. And what’s even more amazing is that she, more or less, came aware “only” when she was 28 years old. Before that she had 28 years of stuffed emotions and toned down personality behind her. If you think that dieting is hard, you can only imagine how hard it can be to change life long habits, thought processes, awareness and spirituality all at the same time! Facing the difficulties of dieting is NOTHING compared to a person facing her full potential for the very first time in her life. The changes are monumental and make your entire soul tremble when you’re opening up yourself to them. But even though standing in front of them is the most scariest thing on earth, I have seen nothing but beauty and strength in her path. She has stumbled and hurt and cut herself on the way, but by god, the awareness and newly born openness of her soul is just absolutely beautiful. She has prescribed to me so many times how lost, and confused and little she feels with these changes, but when I look at her, I see just potential, amazing strength and a girl who has nothing in front of her than success. And why do I see this? Because the state of awareness what she carries with herself all the time is so powerful that it just “automatically” carries her to the right direction. Even though she doesn’t always feel this and she has days when everything feels even more confusing that it originally was, she has opened her heart to awareness, with all it’s might and with all it’s fret. When you’re in the middle of this kinda huge changes you don’t see all so clearly at all. Because of the huge emotions and choices you’re doing you can feel more lost than you were even when you begun everything. But just choosing the awareness had already put you “on the right path” with all its colors and might. The certainty of this “right path” comes very slowly and through different experiences. Because of that, she is just gonna be ok. Because she’s so aware, and she surrounds herself with people who encourage this and support her. On the good note, even though being aware is sometimes scary, I think when you first start to learn to be it, you never really can unlearn it. And it gets easier by time.

When you start to change you’re life (whether it’s dieting, job, circle of friends, school, relationships etc) it’s about being aware how you’re doing it, that matters the most. After that everything comes a long pretty automatically, even though it doesn’t always feel like it. This is at least how I, personally, experience it.

Well anyway, back to dieting ^-^ My friend, who is a professional photographer is going to take some cool pictures of me around April, after the diet is over. He’s gonna do it for free since my birthday is on April. It’s nice to have some good photos taken about the success I’ve had. I have no doubt in my mind that I wouldn’t continue this diet without fail. I’m even thinking about continuing it past April if I haven’t reached my goals then yet. Keeping away from junk food etc is getting easier by the day. ooohh.. I just can’t wait how I feel in a months time from now!

PS: I read this blog again later on and realized that might have been a bit incoherent in some places:D I hope that you in some how got a hold on what I was aiming at. *scatter brain*

Don’t think WITH your emotions. Rather use your emotions TO think.

So here’s some random thoughts I had today:

I’ve often thought that how many people would make something towards their happiness if it would be easier to get. If someone would say “I hold The Secret for happiness that lasts with you for all eternity, which makes you peaceful, content and balanced. Which would make you feel a champion for the every day of your life and make it impossible to ever feel depressed, beaten or a looser.” How many people you think would be excited to hear the answer to that? How many do you think would be happy to change anything in their life, for happiness for eternity? Pretty many. If the sentence would continue “…BUT it means that it may take you anything to 3-60 years to have it and it needs some pretty hard work. Remember the price is happiness forever, but for 3-60 years you really have to work for it.” How many do you think STILL would be up to hear the answer? Not so many. Why? Because in my experience people are fixated to the idea of “quick-fixes” for their distress and unhappiness. “Oh, I’m feeling empty, let’s eat something.”, “Oh, I’m feeling sad, let’s get drunk.” “Oh, I’m feeling worried and annoying, maybe I should forget it by watching TV ’till I fall a sleep”. In most cases there isn’t even a sentence that begins with “Oh, I’m feeling…”. People just suddenly realize that they’re not feeling “right”, or even unconsciously feels something “out of order” and just end up in a “quick-fix” to get the feeling away -to have some “result” for that feeling – and not even think about what they’re doing! In some cases people actually realize that they are doing something fucked up, because they try to forget another fucked up thing. They see and feel and realize that they are substituting a bad feeling with a quick-fix….-but STILL DO IT!

Heh, I’ve done this all in the past as well. Also with my smoking and drinking what I mentioned on my earlier post. I think in some level my smoking while drinking was a way to “have a relief” to something that was bothering me emotionally. In this case, I was aware that I was doing a “quick-fix”, but STILL did it! I didn’t (and still am not quite sure) what was the emotional distress I was trying to avoid by smoking, but despite being aware, I still smoked and thought “oh, what the hell!” anyway. It can be kinda embarrassing later on to admit that that was actually the case ^-^ We know in our society how incredibly difficult it is to break physiological habits, such as smoking, drinking and the like. We can sometimes even feel and realize the mental debris of bad thinking habits and thought strategies such as the ones mentioned above. Because mental habits and the emotional “trash” that comes with physiological habits are so hard to break a vast majority of people look for easy roads to take to get to achievement or to not to “feel bad”. It can be an emotion or a sense that makes you do an bad physiological habit, or it can be a bad physiological habit that makes you do the wrong emotional thought patterns. In these situations I think many fail to realize that what they are as a person is not the same what they are feeling. That if they are feeling something, it is not actually the only way to define things. That to “get something” does not make you a better person but “being” in that process to “get something” is what makes you a better person each day.

To learn to use my emotions to think was one of the biggest realizations I had, which helped me to find some pretty solid inner peace. I think those people are quite rare who realize that emotions and what you are as a individual is a different thing. Many people just react. Feeling is just an emotion -it is NOT what your identity is. It is NOT something you “don’t have control over”. It’s not there to make you react -it’s there to guide you. It’s self made and like I’ve said it before there is always a logic behind any emotion. It is said that people have over 100,000 thoughts per day. Many of these thoughts are ones that relate to different emotions we are experiencing. And like thoughts, there is hundreds of emotions we can feel inside of us, and they are just as passing and vibrant as those thoughts. There isn’t an emotion that would last forever. No bad feeling should be “quick-fixed” away from your life. It is there for a reason. It guides you and you SHOULD let it guide you, until it passes away -since that’s what it’s gonna do eventually anyway. So make the most of it. Be aware of it. And be gentle with yourself. Breaking a thought pattern which is harmful isn’t easy. It needs a lot of love, time and compassion towards yourself. It takes some time to learn to trust that the bad feelings actually do go away. It doesn’t happen over night. Actually, for some it might last anything from 3-60 years to learn it. So what? Again, it’s still about the person you are “being” between those 3-60 years than about what you’ll be AFTER them. After you realize that, maybe the promised Secret of Happiness will becomes reality. So my advice, which i repeat to myself every day, is to embrace the blessing that you are able. Celebrate the possibilities that have been given to you as a human being. Your resources are limitless and the maximum potential inside you is real.

To me personally, this has been a looooooong and interesting learning process. Now days, if I “feel bad” I don’t immediately do a “quick-fix” to get rid of it. Instead I just let it be -and try not to think with my emotions, rather than use emotions to think. If I feel empty, confused, scared, frustrated, lost, deprived or just tired I try to remind myself that it’ll pass. It’s been an essential part of this diet as well. I’ve got many mixed feelings during this process, but I just try my best with them. They never lasts forever. And it’s actually a good thing that they’re there. My emotions are sign of being alive, of being aware and being on a empowering journey. It’s a sing that something new and tender is again growing inside of me, breaking through, making me more aware and I just have accept that it’s there, listen to it, let it guide me and then just let go. Trusting the process of healing and growing becomes easier every day. This is just one learning process for me among others. And I’m not here to tell you the absolute truth how the mind and body works. I’m still trying to figure out myself too. So this is just one thought of those 100,000 which I’ll have today.

“God, Grant me the serenity to accept the things I cannot change, The courage to change the things I can, And the wisdom to know the difference. ” -Serenity Prayer

Laundry list

If you haven’t read Sheldon B. Kopp’s book “If You Meet the Buddha on the Road, Kill Him!” book I highly recommend it! I read it a year ago when I was struggling with myself and with all the insecure feelings I had. There was a particularly hopefull chapter at the end which was called “The Laundry List”. I used to have it printed on my wall, beside my bed and I read it every night before falling a sleep. To some it might sound a bit “harsh” (it makes more sense after reading the book though), but to me it just sounded so true and so full of hope. It just dimished all my stress about everything and put it in perspective.

“This is it! There are no hidden meanings. You can’t get there from here, and besides there’s no place else to go. We are all already dying, and we will be dead for a long time and nothing lasts. There is no way of getting all you want and you can’t have anything unless you let go of it. You only get to keep what you give away. There is no particular reason why you lost out on some things since the world is not necessarily just. Being good often does not pay off and there is no compensation for misfortune but you have a responsibility to do your best nonetheless. It is a random universe to which we bring meaning and you don’t really control anything. You can’t make anyone love you. No one is any stronger or any weaker than anyone else since everyone is, in his own way, vulnerable. There are no great men and if you have a hero, look again: you have diminished yourself in some way. Everyone lies, cheats, pretends (yes, you too, and most certainly I myself) but all evil is potential vitality in need of transformation. All of you is worth something, if you will only own it. Progress is an illusion. Evil can be displaced but never eradicated, as all solutions breed new problems, yet it is necessary to keep on struggling toward solution. Childhood is a nightmare, but it is so very hard to be an on-your-own, take-care-of -yourself -cause-there-is-no-one-else-to-do-it-for-you grown-up. Each of us is ultimately alone and the most important things, each man must do for himself. Love is not enough, but it sure helps. We have only ourselves, and one another. That may not be much, but that’s all there is. How strange, that so often, it all seems worth it. We must live within the ambiguity of partial freedom, partial power, and partial knowledge. All important decisions must be made on the basis of insufficient data, yet we are responsible for everything we do. No excuses will be accepted since you can run, but you can’t hide. It is most important to run out of scapegoats. We must learn the power of living with our helplessness but the only victory lies in surrender to oneself. All of the significant battles are waged within the self. You are free to do whatever you lik – you need only to face the consequences.
What do you know . . . for sure . . . anyway?
Last but not least: Learn to forgive yourself, again and again and again and again. . . .”
-Sheldon Kopp

About happiness and it’s gifts

Just got back from the BEAUTIFUL winter scenery and a looong walk with a good friend of mine. Oh, it FINALLY snowed in here, and I’m ecstatic! We were kicking snow all around and just enjoying the cold breeze and the lightness of life. I feel so peacefull, certain and calm all around. Everything feels just the way it should be feeling. Through good and bad times in my life I’ve always have this inner peace which would always tell me that everything is gonna be ok, I’m loved and all things are just the way they should be.
It’s funny how almost 5 years ago JUST before I got sick with Graves disease I had a long period in my life when I just felt good. I was just in this same inner peace-state that I mentioned before. I just…well…floated around. Everything was OK and all things just fell in their right places. Because I was still quite young I remember SO vividly that one night when I thought “Oh! It’s been SO happy and so peacefully and so ok that I want some ACTION. I want something big to happen again so I can grow and feel challenged! I can’t grow as a human being when I’m HAPPY. What doesn’t kill you makes you stronger! Happiness does nothing but put me in a boring static where nothing goes forward”. Little did I know when I said that since 2 weeks after that I was diagnosed with the disease and everything went up side down for the next 5 years. After that, when I was struggling with life most, I always remembered that evening and shook my head in disbelieve how STUPID I was when I said that. Like it would be the real reason all went so wrong. A punishment for me not valuing enough what had been given to me.
Two years after that evening I was sitting outside of my fathers terrace, looking at the lake and talking about everything related to life with him. I told him about that one night and he smiled and said to me something that would change me deeply. “It’s funny, how people think that only pain makes you grow. That only through that agony you feel somehow more alive than what you would, if you’d be happy. It’s wrong. Happiness can make you grow as much, and EVEN more, than pain can. It just depends of the person to take advantage of that time and letting it lead you further. We just so rarely are taught that.” I stopped. Blinked. Inhaled and thought about that evening again, when I had said the exact opposite…and SWORE than when all this is over, when I’ll survive, when the most acute pain is over and when I start to heal, I’ll NEVER gonna take it for granted again. I’ll cherish it and make the most of it.
So today, when I was admiring the snowy lakesides and the buzz of the city in a white and cold gown I remembered my fathers words…and realised how happy I was again. How I had just found that peacefull place again and I was there at the beginning of another cycle. How soooo much has happened and how different I am now and it’s all good that it happened.
I will make the most of this. And I’m never gonna be anxious again about my happiness. I now realize how much more this can bring to my inner wealth than any pain could ever bring. And I can so clearly see the potential it gives me and gives to others around me.
Through this realization I was not afraid so much about changing and making decision to challenge myself mentally, spiritually and physically. To go a step further to be more better. Growing is a good place to be – with all it’s might and the fret it brings.

“It’s emphatic to remember first and foremost that we are not human beings having a spiritual experience, rather we are spiritual beings, having a human experience” -Wayne Dyer